you're perfect but

you've straight up told me:

-this means nothing to you
-you can't help me
-you've seen other girls
-i need to move on
-i need to find someone else
-and that this is just a one sided relationship

yet, I keep coming back to you.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
and to think, I gave you almost everything.

and I'm doing all this

for the bennefit of someone else.

i have

so much to write.
but no motivation to do so.

[you'd think I'd get used to the feeling of tears running down my face and my nose running but it never ceases to shock me]

ugh.

this boy is perfect.
no other way to describe it.

"kylie, about what you said last night, I'm really sorry but I don't think we can be together. I was hoping last night could create the spark again, but It didn't. You are really funny, attractive, and well, cool. I'm sure you can find a guy as good or better than me that will treat you the way you need to be treated."

I'm back to square one.
and i know i know its not really fair to rant about stupid boys here,
well actually it is cause its my blog, but i still feel bad.
anyways, here i am again.
so so so sad over some boy who has screwed me over.
im always the girl thats really cool and fun to hook up with.
but never date.
and it hurts especially bad this time.
he had so much potential.
i could just talk to him, just lay with him, completely be myself around him.
and he did the same thing with me.
but, i guess im just not his type or some bullshit.
i hate this, it sucks.
nothing ever goes right for me.

/end rant.

fuck today.

it was supposed to be great.
in all honesty, it was.
up untill the point where he had to leave.
then it was the whole,
"youre really cool...but uh...yeah, im trying to think of a nice way to say this but i dont know how"
thing.
to make it worse, i didnt even get a real answer.
he just trailed off untill i told him he should leave.
but then covered it up with
"i mean you DO have to work at 6 AM tomorow"
so that was that.
terribly sad, terribly awkward end
to an otherwise fantastic night.

and i worked so damn hard too.

this had so much more potential in my head.

one thing pushes me to tears.
another makes me so happy I have to get up and move.
one thing makes me so worried I can't sleep.
another makes me so confused that i have to sleep.
one thing makes me wish i could fast forward time.
another makes me wish i could rewind it.

I'm about to explode in more than one way.

(: (: (:

i am SO excited for friday.
i really, really, really like this boy.
it sounds as cheesy as nachos,
but i dont really care.
so stoked.
:)

do you remember that time we sat in the rain outside of the convention center just talking?
do you remember that time i let you wear my pants because you puked on your skirt?
do you remember that time we rode our bikes farther than we ever had just blasting our music? do you remember all those car rides where we sang as loud as we could, not caring at all?
do you remember that time we pretended to fall asleep on the couch together and listened to everyone whisper about how cute we were?
do you remember that time we hungout in a box for atleast an hour just being rediculous?
do you remember that time we woke up entangled in eachothers arms and your mom thought i was just some random girl?
do you remember trying to keep everything a secret but at the same time telling me not to go yet just so i could lay with you some more?
do you remember the day i threw goldfish at you and you threw apples at me?
do you remember when we accidently watched Striptease because we thought it was a scary movie?
do you remember the durn good market and almost dying in that bouncey castle?
do you remember all the haircuts and hairdyes?
do you remember dancing at all the shows and not caring who we pissed off?
do you remember all those late night runs to kens in the middle of the night?
do you remember when i thought i was a rock?
do you remember the question game and not being able to answer any questions becasue of how rediculous they were?
do you remember all out talks about the universe and stars?
do you remember that time we kissed right after you saw your first shooting star?
do you remember how we fell asleep in the field and woke up to darkness?
do you remember peeing in places other than conventional bathrooms and aquiring mysterious scratches and bruises?
do you remember are quest for any bathroom and calling everyone good sir?
do you remember all those AA meetings and church services we went to, even if i was hesitant?
do you remember being dance partners at deadmau5?
do you remember our walks and adventures in the woods?
do you remember longboarding and dragonfly at alki?
do you remember getting father-daughter mani-pedis?
do you remember when we stayed up all night walking around the streets actually being happy as a family?
do you remember swimming and having barbeques at rattlesnake?
do you remember all those late nights and times alone that you supposedly forgot?
do you remember robot jousting and cheesy sy fy movies?
do you remember invading my privacy and bringing everything crashing down?
do you remember playing all those lame yet awesome escape games?
do you remember all those bad days i had and how you cheered me up?
do you remember the hurt you caused me and how much you made me cry?
do you remember how happy i used to be?
do you?
because i sure as hell do.

fuck.

i honestly cant remember the last time i was this hungry.
we have absolutely zero food.
im not even kidding.
i have a package of rice, but i cant cook it because the stove is broken.
plus im home alone and theres no one to call.
sorry to bitch but ugh.
these past two day ive been on the low side of my manic-depression.
but hopefully things will look up.
yesterday, someone told me "atleast you have optimissum"
he didnt know i was lying.
i really need more optimisum.
and some food.
man, screw today.

justie hawk

is one of the only people i feel completetly comfortable with.
we just defaced christmas decorations and made deer hump.

see here.

I feel really really cool.

Like I'm having the fun a kid my age should be.

But at the same time, I feel like an asshole.

oh well.

Bukowski

"well see what you want to see,
you should see it all.
well take what you want from me,
you deserve it all.
nine times out of ten,
our hearts just get dissolved.
well i want a better place,
or just a better way to fall.
but one time out of ten,
everything is perfect for us all.
well i want a better place,
or just a better way to fall."

to bellevue we go.

Today was okay. Leave it to Douglas to be the one person to cheer me up. Him and Betovens 9th. We spent the day in bellevue. Drinking coffee, thrifting, looking for catholic book stores, hanging out in book stores, eating, and not seeing a moive.
however, today just solidifies the fact that i hate how boys are effecting me so much lately.
when i was in half-priced books i was sitting upstairs in a back aisle reading about the Holocaust, French Revolution, and WWII. (I'm actually really interested in European History) anyways, i expected to see no one, but this beautiful boy with skinny jeans, curly black hair, boots and a beanie came around the corner and locked eyes with me. he sat at the other aisle and also read books about WWII. I was pretty curious, seeing as not many people I know share my love for Eurpoean History. So i sat there and read, occasionally looking up at him and seeing him look at me. Then I'd get a new book and he'd watch me to see what i was reading. After awhile of this he walked to another asile, foreign languages, and i followed him. He didnt seem to mind and even caught my eye again. So i sat back down and read some more and watched some more. This cycle repeated for about 20 minutes untill Douglas came and told me it was time to leave.
Hesitantly i said "okay" and followed him down the stairs. I looked back and saw the mysterious bookstore boy watch me walk away. I only made it to the parking lot, where i awkwardly made small talk with Douglas untill i lied and told him I had to go to the bathroom. I bolted back inside and began searching the store for him. My palms were sweating and my heart was racing. I'd never asked a guy for his number before. Let alone a guy i didnt even know. He wasnt in the History section so I swiftly and quietly flew down the stairs and there he was about ready to check out. I stood on the stairs and held the banister for about 5 minutes mentally going over what I was going to say to this boy. I decided that I'd apologize for being a creeper and following him, then make note of how we both liked European History and then, finally, ask for his number. Suddenly, he looked up and for some reason I hid behind a rack of calanders. I took a deep breath and started walking towards him. But, before I could say anything his dad took his books and led him out of the store. I sounds silly, but my heart sank. I had finally gathered up the courage to initiate conversation with this strange, gorgeous boy, but before i could even tell him my name he was gone.
And now, I'll never see him again.

There were countless other cute boys i saw that day. All of which, for some bizzare and unknown reason, i felt connected to. There was the guy with a septum piercing with his headphones blasting, he blew right past me. And then the one with a Who shirt on. I tried telling him I liked his shirt and that The Who was one of my favourite bands, but I guess he didnt hear me. And then there was the oldest one, who worked at Journeys. We made small talk about Doc Martins and i pet his dog that he had guilt-tripped his boss into letting him bring to work. But, once again, Douglas fetched me and told me it was time to go. So i watched him work as I rode up the escalator, he even smiled back at me.
And then we went to Red Robbins and I saw thee cutest little boy I'd ever seen. He was one of those kinds of kids where you know the girls are going to be all over them when they're older. I felt like a babysitter just having fun with the kids I was watching. I'd look over my shoulder and wave and he would get a huge grin on his face, mac 'n cheese in hand. We'd wave and make faces, I found it quite hilarious. But, just like everyone else he had to go. It made me sad for a different reason. It made me want a little brother to goof off with and comfort. I mean, I have Chris but, he's 14. At that moment i wanted a 6 year old brother or so. But oh well. He even waved and said goodbye when he left.
I hope that little boy has it good when he's older. And is alot more happier than I am.

thoughts of the day

-It really sucks when you tell your best friend your generally unhappy and depressed and they never get back to you.

-Even though i shouldnt care, it tears me up a little knowing that never again will you end one of our conversations with "goodnight sweetness"

i hate

that sharp, sudden, reoccuring pain you get in your chest,
when you think of something that really hurts.
like that boy completely using you.
or when your old best friend moves across the country.
or your parents tell you they're not mad, but dissapointed in you.
this sucks so bad.
i havent cried this much in so long.
i dont want to make choices like this.
please please just lie to me to make me feel better.

i always want what i cant have.

have you ever been basiclly infatued with someone you hardly know?
well i am, and i hate it.
i have no idea how to initiate conversation ,
and anything i would want to talk about would make it sound like im some sort of creeper.
which i kinda am, but i dont want to give off that impression.
i hate boys,
it makes me glad brian and i started the "i hate boys club"
i just want a nice one.

the one chance

i get to explain myself, my family, and my friends
to people who new nothing about them,
i blow it.
goddamnit.

hey blog.

you've been up for almost a year.
new rocord.
i havent deleted you or anything yet.
i suppose its a good thing.
but im not writing here as frequently.
i got a spiral and have began writing things out by hand.
its nice.
i clear my head and it gives me something to do and focus on.
not to mention no one reads it but me,
and i can gurantee you, if i posted on here what i write in my spiral.
well...lets just say things would be alot more interesting.
and i would have alot less friends.

I'm bringing the weirdest crew at the after- party
Just got in the hotel room and this is getting started
Better wake the fuck up cause' were not here to sleep
Our fleet is hiked up in this bitch and I'm banging this beat
You and you, c'mon lets take it to the next level.
Lets all go to the hotel pool as we finish the bottle.
Maybe kiss and don't tell, its the rule around here.
You must have me under a spell I lose control when your near


^that pretty much describes PAX
...except well, you know.

11/06/09

so I'm just sitting here in Audio Engineering. I really fucking hate this class. I mean, i thought it'd be fun. but its just a bunch of bullshit. Acid Pro pisses me off, meagan and sean are really no help, and all we do is busy work. And to think i couldve skipped today because we have a sub.
luckily, or unluckily on some days, school is the one place i can go outside of my neighborhood.
im on complete and total lockdown for the next two months. fucking rediculous, yeah? and i got grounded right as all the good stuff is happening. No shows, no hanging out with friends, no parties, and apparently no haircuts. yeahhh, fuck that. my hair is so shitty.
well anywayssss i have no idea what im typing here i guess i just need some company, even if its just myself.
i had meagan and brian over last night though (people can still come visit me, huzzah!)
that was nice.
i actually tried to talk to meagan about bad habits, boys and how i feel like im going insane.
it didnt help much, probably becasue all she did was reassure me i wasnt and then go to sleep.
atleast she tried.
i am such a confused person.
If youre in GSA you'll know. or something i dont know.
everything is so dam complicated these days.
mabye i want that boy.
mabye i dont want to be your friend.
mabye i want to drop out of school.
but then again, mabye i dont want any of those things.
i. have. no. idea.
see? i cant even type out what im thinking on here.
i need a tape recorder, or for you all to shrink and get inside my head.
then, mabye you'd understand.
mabye youll get it.

the jig

is up.

fuck. everything.

im so sick of everything.


im so sick of school.
im so sick of my parents not letting me do anything.
im so sick of not being able to really talk to any of my friends.
im so sick of him being so good at everything and everyone loving him so much.
im so sick of not having any fun.
im so sick of stupid boys using me and being assholes.
im so sick of living in this filthy room.
im so sick of not have the motivation to do anything.
im so sick of being paranoid of everything and kepeing secrets.


im so sick of everything.

especially the first and the last.
i cannot explain to you how sick i am of those two things.
one month, once a month is all im going to limit myself to.
i want to be done, but i cant be done.
with school.
theres so many positives, but so many more negatives.
i need to get out of this funk im in.
im so depressed.
nothing interests me anymore.

today was good.

im covered in rainbows and dipped in chiptunes.
i love making a fool of myself in public.

...

i have no one to talk to.
i feel like im going to explode.

seems fitting.

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you
I said I liked your shoes
You said, "Thanks, can I follow you?"
So it's up the stairs and out of view
No prying eyes
You poured some wine
I asked your name, you asked the time

Now it's two o'clock
The venue is closed We're up the block
Your hands on me; Pressing hard against your boxers
Your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know who else may have been you before

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure
I've got the money if you've got the time
You said it feels goodI said, "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your bike was parked
Let's just take the bus
I'll meet up with the group in the morning
Bad musicians with bad habits
Some sad singers they just play tragic
And the phone's ringing and the bus's leaving
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep... keep touching...

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

:D

i have so much to write here, but im way too tired.
BUT be warned: i will post something extreme here in about a week.
this weekend is gonna kick. so. much. ass.

i cant tell

if the 8th grade me would be extremely dissapointed or extremely jealous of me now.

im so freakin' confused about the dumbest things.
and i think i may i have just ruined one of the only things i really really wanted.

i dont feel and it feels great.

it had something to do with the wind. I could feel myself blowing through my hair. I'd look up and alicia would be vastly painted above the sky, scattered as far as the eye could see. Or perhaps taylor would be growing out of the ground, brian could even be scampering up a tree. And im sure if i was anywhere near the ocean, i would've seen meagan calmly gliding through the choppy waves.

we are not here beacause the universe allows it. we are the universe. we are what holds it together. everyone is connected by what they feel. and not just feel as in tangible, but feel as in...its hard to explain.



last night i had a sudden stroke of brilliance. i found out that riding my bike around town at rediculous speeds is much more fun than just roaming the streets. On my second trip through town, the wind was perfect and the sky was just the right color, the stars were cleverly spread about the sky somwhat hidden behind the hazy clouds when it hit. i dont know what it was but i had everything figured out. my mind was no longer a jumbled mess, but perfectly organized. i realized then that i had to figure out who i was before i had to figure out who i need to be.

on another note: i am extremely excited for the new school year. originally my friend and i signed up for all the same classes. but becasue of her mom, i highly doubt we're going to have any classes together. at first i was really bummed. but then i realized the main reason i signed up for said classes was because i was interested in what i was going to learn. so instead of changing my schedule to fit hers, im going to just stick with mine and hopefully meet new people and learn new things.

i think these two pictures do a good job of summing everything up:

no no

badbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbad.


AGGHH.

im done.

complaining to my friends.
about everything, especially boys.
im aware i could be making a mistake(s)
and i fully accept it.

so, i lied.

i guess i wasnt done with you.

half

of this blog is complete shit.
LIES.
just because i change my damn mind so much.
after a bad "episode" something good happens and i bounce back.
but i suppose these things happen.

:|

i cant sing.
i cant write.
i cant speak poeticly.
i cant come up with clever things off the top of my head.
i cant find a job.
i cant just make everything fall into place.
i cant find a guy.
i cant throw great parties.
i cant always get rides places.
i cant make people laugh.
i cant be mad at people.
...and these are just some of the reasons i always feel so damn lonely. everything anyone can do, i cant. i always feel so out of place, and ive recently learned, im not that great at hiding it after all.
seeing all these people in great relationships makes it pretty hard too. everytime i see two people together im always reminded of what i thought i had. or it makes me desperately wish i had something like that.
everytime i picture myself holding someones hand, its you.
everytime i picture myself hugging or kissing someone, its you.
you always say youre lost or confused. i dont know how, but i wanted to be the person who helped you figure it all out. i dont know why i like you so much, but i do. i know you've used me, but i just dont want to believe it.
and after all that, i still want to hangout with you.

this whole job thing isnt working too well eihter. all my friends have jobs. they always have money and have to fit their social schedules around their work scheduels. it just makes me feel like such a waste of potential becasue i dont do anything. so, today i finally got off my ass and went job hunting. and i actually turned in a couple applications so hopefully this job problem will dissappear soon.

also, i just want to apologize to any of my friends i may have worried, r even had my mood affect theirs. thanks for trying. it may not seem like it, but it really helps. most of the time, i just dont know what to say back to everything.

oh

and to anyone that actually reads this:

the person im talking about in "you" is NOT the same person in "whats that riding on your everything"

just a heads up.

whats been on my mind part deux

i hate having nothing to do.

i really dont like this laptop.

was yesterday a mistake?


that is all.

you.

im done. fuck it, i know ive said it over and over again. Ive said i was going to stop trying with you, i said i was going to quit you, but everytime i came back. well this time, this time i think i mean it. im done with your shit. im done with you being an asshole. and im done with you continually ignoring me.
i wouldve given you everything; made you so happy, as concieted as it sounds i dont know whats wrong with me?
i wanted to make you happy. i wanted to help you, hold your hand and tell you everything was gonna be okay. i guess i got halfway there over the ten or so months we were "involved"
but screw you, i think im actually done with you.

i dont know why

im so attracted to you.
but i am.

duelly noted.

to alex: it was extremely refreshing to actually run with someone else for a change. it was nice. and even if it seemed kind of awkward, and on occasion i didnt know what to say, i enjoyed then little talk we had. im sure you'll figure everything out. i dont know you all too well, but mabye it'd be cool to go running again sometime? i could improve on the whole talking thing. i dont know, just throwin' stuff out there.

these past few days have been fantastic. it hasnt even been a week since summer started but its gonna be freaking sweet. like seriously, epic beyond anything. however, i will admit i am slightly afraid of not knowing what will happen or come next, but im welcoming change with open eyes and open arms.

on another note, i need to find a job! ive got to save up money for atleast three things. (Blink 182, sean's itouch, and pax) ugh...who will hire me with my blue hair? haha im up for any suggestions.

that was

the shittiest goodbye kiss ever.
but i still loved every second of it.

everything thats been on my mind.

i apologize in advance if this is sporatic and spacey. its just i havent been writing on here lately so im just getting it all out.

referencing my last blog; of course ive changed, but i think its all for the better. im starting to figure out who i am. i still havent got the greatest idea, but im getting there. im opening my eyes to new things and new people and its fantastic.
ive had so many good times lately, it makes me want to throw up. but in a good way. i dont really know how to describe it.
take friday for example. i put myself out there and it was totally worth it. ive never felt that comfortable with anybody like that before. although i was bummed for a little bit, a few people cheered me up and im really glad i stayed.
ive learned that i can make things happen, i just have to initiate it.
normally, id be overthinking every little detail, but not this time, this time i just crawled over and kissed him. i guess it felt kind of empowering in a weird sort of way.
i think i need to have more days like that.


for some reason, i associate people with bands. mabye we've seen them live together, or perhaps they sang our song, or mabye you just like them alot. i used to have a huge list in my head, but below are the only ones i can really remember.

gogol bordello/pendulum: taylor
justice: meagan
modest mouse: alicia
panic! at the disco: ashlie
arctic monkeys: jaimie
blink 182: bailey
rise against: austin
angels & airwaves: jake
shiny toy guns: brian
sublime: mik
the who: douglas
modest mouse: jj


(i will continue this later)

i've changed

so much in the past:
year.
4 months.
month.
week.

and im pretty sure im not the only one whos noticed.

i've been so damn tired lately. it seems all i do is sleep these days. my sleeping schedule is so fucked. i mean, i come home from school, sleep, then stay up all night, come to school, and sleep through all my classes. then i go home and stat the whole process over again. im literally about to fall asleep right now, but i cant. because karen will kick my ass. atleast 2nd and 3rd period are guanteed naps.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

today was an excessively good day.

-i thought i looked super cute
-i got elected as a GSA officer for next year
-went rollerblading
-took a nap in the grass under a tree
-went swinging
-went on an extended bike ride
-got new music
-made some sweet plans for this weekend

(:

oh man.

its so very entertaining reading through my old blogs.
and seeing how much ive changed.

im pretty glad they're all set to private.
x)

plan the plans, but dont plan the results.

so many plans fell through today, but still, i know this weekend will be an adventure.
crashing in seattle all weekend living off of only $13 and folklife? aww yeaaaahhhh.
and although one of the things i was looking forward to most isnt happening, and several people i dont want to see are going, im so fucking stoked.
because theres tons more people going who i want to see and endless opurtunites to meet new people and try new things.
im super bummed out, but im keepin' my head up.
i've thought it with many things, but starting now things could be looking up.
...or they could go even worse than they are now.
never the less...this weekends gonna be sick.

ugh

i dont know what i want. im so close to the point of letting other people choose what i want.
this is troubling.

chow mein.

first peiod isnt even over, but ive got countless strange, or "what the fuck did you do?!" looks.
ITS SO GOOD. its soooo many.
i love it >:)
whats that movie, where that one guy collects last looks...oh yeah! Elizabethtown. I'm gonna start doing that. but with strange looks instead of last looks.
Peoples reactions entertain me. when are you all going to learn? it might look like it, but i dont care what you think at all.
not just about hair, although thats what it seems to be today, but about anything.
i do, however, take into consideration what you think, but i usually just disregard it.

im likin' this purple...but not as much as the tuquoise. not anytime soon, i think, but eventualy it will be back. the turquoise that is, and ill be adding yellow!

WHELLLL, on another note, i had a fantastic weekend!
as horrible as it sounds, everyone has different "groups" of friends, i know i do. and i love each and every one of them! but yeah, i got to hangout with mulitple goups this weekend. goood stufff.

Friday: taylor picked me up after school and we went to the mall. wandered around aimlessly for a couple of hours, kind of collapsed in the mall from laughing so goddamn hard, and got a stalker. a crazy crazy stalker in love with our hair. as the day was drawing to an end we decided to get some food. and after waiting for he mom fo an hour at red robins, we did. then got kicked out for playing in the revolving door. after our little advnture in bellevue we kicked it back at taylors house. watched Quarantine, ate delicious junk food, and talked and talked and talked. she's one of the only people i feel comfortable talking about...deep stuff with. y'know, i love her.

Saturday: saturday was pretty mellow, justie came over for a bit, we just did what we normally is did. and i dont even know how to describe it. aound 2:30ish we walked over to the salon and got my hair cut. yup, its gone. ive been called everything from link to a fairy to nymph to a dyke. LOL @ that. other peoples social commentary makes me laugh.

Sunday: what a perfect way to end my weekend. James came over, and it was nice to hangout with just him for a little bit. but, taylor came over! and lemme just say, taylor lewis looks freakin' hot with short hair! like, something out of Chalie Bartlett or Ferris Bueller. i mean dayuuuum.
anyway, we bleached my hair first, and as strange as it sounds, i like me blond. harharhar. then we bleahced hers, which took a disturbingly short amount of time. then began the dying process. now, that was all fun untill i had to wash it out. washing dye out is no fun when your dad makes you use the hose outside. i had a numb head and several brain freezes >:( but all turned out well.
so after that we got asian food! much better than last time we all did. had some good converation, got some new silverware ;) then walked home, and unfortunately taylor had to leave. so james and i were left alone to watch Fight Club. (still one of my favouite movies). after it was over we walked to jaimie and ashlies to show off my hurr and ultimately have james get picked up. oh, and a big thanks to the assholes that threw a 110 piece tool kit at us. i mean thanks, really, atleast james' apartment has some new tools


wooooow. i never rant about my days here, lulz. its probably just because i had nothing better to do durring first period today.
well, class is over. time to go collect some more looks.
untill next time.
(:

.

well here it is again, another weekend gone by where i feel like ive done completely nothing. ignored all my responsibilites for fun and unnesessary moping about.
i think i may finally be getting what i want...but do i really want it now that its in reach?
or do i just like the process of getting there?
so many things to wrap my mind around, so many things to make decisons about.
i mean, ive got that thing with the walking and the singing and the fundraising.
and all the time and effort i put into last last weekend that was all for nothing.
and then i have to get those damn grades up.
fuck! i dont care about it at all. i know thats bad, but honestly i dont. i mean, i have those sudden flashes of brillance where i have absolutely everything perfectly figured out, but then i just shrug it off and go back to not carring.
sometimes i feel like just giving up and giving into everything. let other people make my decisions. just go with flow, go along for the ride. live everyday like this weekend and just be happy.
but other times i want to controll everything, even though it never works out. and actually have the balls to yell at you for pissing me off. to tell all of you how i really feel.
but i know i never will.
so for now, i guess im stuck.

i know i know

it's not that big of a deal, but all you had to do was show up.
i just really hate being continually ditched.

why does it feel like ive never won?

i know its a pretty selfish thing to want, but i just want to punch something, or destroy something because nothing seems to be going my way. i just want things to be good, to be okay. to atleast be content. im sick of pretending to be happy, there are, of course, those times when im with friends, im happy most of the time with them. but sometimes im even faking it with them. just because of one thing or one person. ive shot myself in the foot so many times in the past month that its not even funny. today, or even this month, marks the one year for some things and the would be one year for others and its just kinda a tough time. i just want everything to go smoothly from now on, is that so much to ask for?

savior.

"I don't hate you boy, I just want to save you while there's still something left to save"

i hate food.

it seems im always eating unhealthy food.
and too much food.
or
i dont eat at all, untill it feels like my stomach is eating itself
and i still dont eat.


she and i can hardly bond over anything but food.

=/

days like today make me feel like no one cares.
such a stark contrast from last night.

wanna know something gross?

the school just gave me nasty, expired stawberries.
the sounded especially delicious but now im just out 50cents
haha.

:)

i havent been this excited to tell someone something in...i dont know how long. for some reason i think everythings gonna work out.

whats that riding on your everything?

i am finaly free from you. everything you held me to. im happy for you, now fuck off. i made certain decisions based on you. i cried over you. for nine months you have tormented me without even knowing it. you didnt care, you never cared. i cared about you, i wanted you, i needed you and you felt absolutely none of that towards me. even though you may have hurt me beyond any measures and made me feel like complete shit you've made me a stronger person. i dont need people like you in my life anymore. i need people who like me for me. who wont lie to me. who wont use me. im ready to move on to better people, and ive already found them. found people who accept me for me. who i can relate to, who i can talk to, who i can hangout and feel completely comfortable with. i may not have known some of them for very long, but they already mean alot to me. im honeslty happy for the first time in months. instead of falling apart at the seams everything is sewing itself back together.
everything will fall, fall right into place.

fuck you april.

i really hate this month, everything bad just seemed to happen around this month last year. and i cant stop thinking about all that stuff. it just sucks so bad, and drives me to tears almost every time.
im letting people pull my puppet strings, and they dont even know they are. it really pisses me off how much i let people get to me. im just weak. im weak, insecure and lacking in confidence. im trying to get out their and be social and have fun. but most times i feel out of place and even that im dragging down the fun. i just want to lay in bed and sleep all day.
i just feel so damn lonely i dont want to do anything but cry.

hm.

just recently i got back from a small roadtrip to eastern washington. whenever i used to go over there i would make it a point ot climb one of the hills and just look at everything i can see. but this time it was different. i climbed a really big one. taller than any id climbed before. i had to scale a small cliff just to get to the hill itself. as i was climbing i was super excited to get to the top, seeing as id never climbed anything this big. i finally got to the top. but i didnt get the view i expected. all i saw was more hills. it made me feel so depressed. that i had worked that hard for nothing. when i used to climb it was always so amazing seeing all that land just stretched out in front of me. but now, i dont feel anything.

am i talking about just hills?

:D

i really dont have a first peirod, why do you think im writing this at such an hour? supposedly im a "teachers assitant" but really all i do is do the homework i have. But i dont really ever have any homework, becasue i do it all in class. so im left with an entire hour to do whatever i please. honesly whatever i want! the teacher im supposed to be assisting is always running errands, as a matter of fact shes at safeway right now. so what i tend to do is roam the school (i think people ae cathing on to the fact that im in the halls more than im in class), read blogs and fmylife, and listen to my playlists on seeqpod. and i have no problem with any of that :D

HAI GUIS GUSS WUTS TOMOROW?!
PENDULUM
yeah thats right, im pretty fucking stoked. ive been waiting a month for this show! and i get to go with two of my good friends meagan and taylor :D
mmm we're all meeting at dicks for some delicious food before hand. hahaha.
then mexi-packing to the showbox at the market. ahhh yeaaaaah.
theeeen, since were on the subject of concerts. theres two more shows i wanna get tickets for:
No Doubt and Pararmore at the white river ampitheatre
and
Rise Against and Rancid at the wamu theatre
both would be sooo gooood.

OH my "teacher" just walked in. and i told her all about these concerts and music stuff. she said i should do something with music. like be a promoter or design posters. that would be awesome.
i think i should start giving thought to what i want to do.
something with music would be cool, but something i would really enjoy would be anything having to do with history. I dont know why but i find everything about it really interesting.

so yeah, this is what i decided to do with my free period for today, ill probably add more later cause it feels good to just ramble on and on and on and on...

...

i was just starting to feel comfterble being myself around you.
whenever we'd pass eachother in the hall, or something like that, i'd always shut up, look at the ground, and keep walking or something. or try and act okay and feel eally stupid and obvious.
but now i feel comfterble carrying on my conversation with my freinds or doing something i normaly would.
but today, thanks to her comment and you joining in on her laughing at me,
im trying really hard not to let it push me back to square one.

i hate writing stuff like this here.

mid-winter break.

amazing time with amazing people.
too bad i only see most of them, what?, once a year.

i want friends.
i want a nice guy.
im sick of only having myself.

really?

what have i done that has made you not trust me? i have never done anything that allows you to supress me the way you do. i had everything planned out. i had rides and contacts and money and everything. but still i cant go. Chirs is two years younger than me and he has more freedom and responsibilty than i do. He has given you dozens of reasons for you not to trust him. If you ask me, he should be the one stuck at home by himself. But, instead hes out, unsupervised with his friends. Because of you i have missed out on so many things. Things im supposed to be doing, im supposed to be having fun! i know how to tell wrong from right. I have morals. Yet still, i am "irresponsible, disrespectful, and untrustworthy". Whenever i want to do something its always what you want. i have no say in anything that i do. My friendships are strained because if you. Cant you just let go a little and let me make my own decisions? Let me live a little? Let me be free?
......
sometiems i wish you wouldve actually liked me. becasue then we might've worked out. And then, i might have someone to call and come over to hold me and tell me that im right and everythings going to be okay, other times i wish id never even met you. but usually i favour the first.
this makes me enjoy solitude even more. all of you make me want to lock myself in my room and never come out. I just want to sit in my room, alone forever. with just my thoughts, because then atleast i could pretend that i like this life and pretend that everythings fine.

last night...

was supposed to be so much better.

but....THIS BREAK HAS BEEN SO FUCKING EPIC. and i still have six days. :D

relapse

of the emotions.


fuck.

oh look!

there it goes, changing again.

im seriously starting to think music is one of the things causing my ever-changing mood.

wow.

looking at what i last wrote, it kinda pisses me off and shocks me that my mood can change so drasticly in such a short amount of time.
last week completely sucked.
but this week, this is probably the happiest ive been in eight months.
its nice (:

just

i just want to watch you all. just sit there and watch and listen. and you wouldnt know im there. id sit and watch and listen and take notes and mabye take pictures. id watch and listen and shoot and remember and learn. i would learn about you. all of you.

fuck

i fucking hate you. i fucking hate all of you. i am so envious of every. single. one. of you.
i know, i am a horribly jealous person, dont try to tell me, i already fucking know it! i feel miniscule to you. i feel uninportant, insignificant and undeserving of you. all of you. i want to be like you, have something to show for myself. be someone i can be proud of, not someone whos life is gradually, very slowly, falling apart. none of this is coming out right. it sounds so much better in my head. why cant i write it down? why cant i tell it to someone? why can i only hear it in my head?

definitions

want (verb): to feel a need or a desire for.

closure. space. freedom. independence. intimacy. trust. relief. inspiration. change. motivation. hope. occupation. information. talent. love. optimisim. forgiveness. acceptence. beauty. calmness. detachment. courage. creativity. control. gratefullness. responsibilty.

discard (verb): to cast aside or dispose of.

pessimism. jealousy. isoloation. loneliness. procrastination. ignorance. guilt. defeat. lazyness. secretvie. stubborness. violence. paranoia. conflict. desperation. bitterness. helplessness. foolishness. uncertainty. nervousness.

...

evryone is moving on to better things and better people and im still stuck there.


*somedays all i want is to be left alone. why cant people understand that?

okay

my creative writing skills suck, i dont know how to talk smart or add good commentary, so im just gonna say Obamas speach was pretty much amazing. and i was pissed mr. sherrer wasnt letting our class watch the inauguration, so i "went to the bathroom". which actually meant i ditched out for 40 minutes to karen rockows class to watch :D i wouldnt have wanted to miss it.

found poem

we had to make a found poem with lines from All Quiet on the Western Front, i actually liked mine, so here you go.

from the earth, from the air.
whirl of the vortex sucking me into itself.
the Earth: so much to a soldier.
she is his friend, his brohter, his mother.
she is silence, she is security.
shelters him, releases him, recieves him.
ten seconds to live; ten seconds of life.
spasm of terror under the hailing of annihilation.
earth with thy folds, and hollows, and holes.
into which man may fling himself and crouch.
O earth, thou grantest us new-won life.
Earth! Earth! Earth!

im not the only one!

im not so alone after all!
n__n

*sigh* #2

i have nothing to look forward too. i dont want to get out of bed. i just want to lay here and sleep, and listen to my music, and play things out in my head. i want someone to reach out and help me, but theres no reason for anyone to. i have no reason to be this miserable. even if i did or could make up fake reasons they would be small and insignificant. and when anyone asks if im okay or whats wrong, i feel awkward and dont know what to say.
sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i still had no friends and no one ever talked to me. atleast then i was happier than this. atleast then i actually didnt care about other people or what they thought. i mean, the friends i do have i feel awkward, left out, and just weird around. like im not good enough. its starting to bug me, but i really cant do anything about it. i want to have a full-fledged, deep, meaningful, and insightful conversation with each and every one of them, but i know that wont happen, because i have no idea what to say to any of them.

i think im going to start keeping to myself.

you dont get better suffering than that.

fuck school. seriously, i hate it. to me, its just a big waste of my time. i seriously doubt im going to anything with the information im learning, if im learning anything at all. so far ive screwed this year up so badly i dont ever want to come back. i just want to fall asleep untill im 25 so i can bypass all this stupid shit. and college? fuck that too. why would i want to go to another 2 or 4 years of this shit.
"All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that. "
-Little Miss Sunshine

i dont want suffering, i want it to be over. i honestly dont care anymore. i have atleast 4 projects ive given up on and that leads to being able to take a test and that leads to failing a class and that leads to losing credits and i just dont give a shit anymore.

i. just. want. to. be. done. with. everything.

*sigh*

even in a group of friends, i still feel left out.

you wont know who you are. dont ask.

1. i think we might be getting somewhere, or it could mean nothing at all.

2. make up your damn mind.

3. i want to be that person you were talking about. but i would've had no ride and i never would have told you.

4. somethings stopping us from being best friends.

5. im losing you.

6. i dont know if i should or not. i think youd figure it out.

7. come visit me!

8. you're one of the coolest people ive met, seriously, we're gonna do good.

9. you just provided me with intertainment for the night, thanks. dumb bitch.

10. im reallllly confused about you.

11. i know everything you say about me, i ike toying with you as mean as it sounds.

12. you'll never know it was me!

13. i feel insignificant when i talk to you, you're so smart and poetic.

14. lets ditch the awkwardness.

15. theres nothing wrong with you, stop trying to convince yourself there is.

16. stay where you are, no one wants you back here.

17. i miss the great advice you used to give me.

18. we were tight at the begining of the year, now i know im just a burden.

19. how the fuck do you come up with that shit, its awesome.

20. im sorry i didnt come, im lame i know.

please ignore, this is pure garbage.

i have no reason to be awake. except mabye the fact that i should be looking up lines in my book and making a poem out of them but fuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaat. instead im sitting on my bed (hmm mabye i should get some sheets) and getting up now and dancing around my room, so much that my legs are sore!!! im sure my mom appriciates me blasting music at 1 am when she has to work tomorow heh heh heh.

i got a new wordsearch book, and if i dont quit doing them im gonna have nothing to do durring friday lunches! waaaaaah im so laaaaaame.

i fixed my room at my moms house, its nice looking now and i think ill stop refering to it as my "hotel room" becasue i actually enjoy spending time in it now. i washed ALL my clothes and folded them neat and hung them up in the closet, then decided which ones to donate, organized my desk, switched tvs (this ones broken though), got rid of my broken bed and furniture, and even put in a couch. Now if only i had someone to sleep on the couch. hahaha. i still dont know why the guitars still here i cant play it. the only thing i need to fix is the barren walls.

blahhhh i dont want to sleeeeeeeeeeeep. mabye more word searches or more dancing or mabye ill keep vomiting on here. bleeeeh.

[ i have a mental list of places to avoid becasue of people i dont like ]

im starting to freak myself out with this whole talking to myself thing. people have started to notice...aloooot. is it bad that i can carry out a conversation with myself for hours? i mean, ive been doing it all night. theres other stuff about it that worry me more, that i dont wanna say here, but im working on it.

i need to cut my mop of hair, its getting to shaggy. i think in the summer im gonna cut it all off with ashlie, fohawk style. awwww yeahhhh.

well, my sporatic vomiting here is done. but cha never know i may be back!!!!!!!!

thanks mom.

today i tried to actually talk to my mom. about life stuff you know. boys and friends and school and all that jazz. it didnt help anything or feel good. i just felt annoying.

so this is new years eve.

im just now starting to realize how pathetic i am. i honestly cant tell if i really want to be alone tonight or if i just dont want to go to the parties ive been invited to for different reasons.
i could go to taylors bingo party, but im too broke too even bring the dimes and quarters to play.
i could go to alex's party, but im not that great of friends with anyone else thats going, and i know itd just end up being awkward, and i dont think id be able to ditch off to the bathroom with my word-searches there.
i could go down to douglas' but i know itd be more boring down there than it is up here.
and i could go to the AA party pottluck thing but id just end up sitting in the corner eating various appitizers, re-reading my raffle tickets.
i have so much shit to do, but i know none of its going to get done tonight.
all ive got to keep me company is food, movies ive watched over and over again, my word searches, the computer, and my phone if anyone actually texts me. *sigh* i really dont want the new year to suck as much as new years eve does. its pretty sad when your mom has more plans than you. and has more friends than you. and gets more phone calls than you. and goes on myspace and facebook more than you. god, i really am pathetic.

longview.

i really want to create something beautiful. It seems everyones good at something except for me.

-i want to take a photo and have it capture a moment so perfectly you can tell exactly what the -feeling is on the people in its faces.
-i want to write something that inspires someone, and leaves them awe-struck.
-i want to create some kind of music, that makes people feel and remember.
-i want to say something that will stick in peoples minds, and will make them think.
-i want to do something that will be remembered.

it feels like im not using the tools infront of me to create something. i just need to pick them up and use them, but i lack the motivation. i need to get out of this ditch im in and start trying.

resolutions.

new years resolutions of 2009

-find that boy that i feel the need to get up and get pretty for, and feel completely comfortable with
-forgive but not forget; just let go
-find something that im passionate about and get better at it
-start eating healthier
-get a job so i can pay my own way
-acually try in school and get decent grades
-take risks and have some more fun; try new things
-get back in contact to all the people i lost it with
-dont push away all the new people ive met
-put more effort into my friendships
to be continued...